Okay, first, let’s be clear on WHY kids are mean to other kids.
1. It’s instinctual in humans to work to make sure all the members of the tribe are acting like they fit in. Children feel a primal urge to help with this. They get irritated, without knowing exactly why, when other children haven’t figured out some basic ways of getting along or looking like a part of the "tribe." And the instinctual thing to do with this irritation is to give that child who is not fitting in a push (sometimes literally a push) in that direction.
2. It’s also hard-wired in humans to seek power and control. We see this even in toddlers. “Oooh! I pushed the little button and Elmo popped up!” Having the power to cause a reaction in another person, to control their behavior, is endlessly fascinating to all of us, grownups included. The range of power behaviors available to children, though, is limited. So…they say mean things, pinch, hit, push, etc.
3. Personalities vary when it comes to flexibility. Kids who have a hard time changing and adapting are more likely to be identified as both bullies and victims.
4. Parents and teachers can inadvertently make mean behavior worse with punishment. Adults show kids how to get power over others every time they discipline children. So, while on the surface the message the adults think they are giving with punishment is “don’t be mean to others,” what kids get instead is “the way to make people do what you want them to do is to make them feel really bad if they don’t.”
5. Kids are good at being mean when no one is watching. AND adults seem to be hard-wired to not see what’s right in front of them when it comes to mean behavior and often look down on or dismiss “tattletales” who report it.
6. We are all more likely to behave badly when we’re stressed.
So, what do we do with all of this when there are kids getting hurt, over and over again, wherever kids gather?
1. Let’s get out of the blame game. The “bully” is a child who is both acting instinctively and doing what they have been taught to do. They need to be taught kindness, empathy and other tools for gaining power. This will be difficult because flexibility is not their strong point. They’ll need practice to learn new skills in an atmosphere of cooperation vs. coercion.
2. The kids who are getting hurt a lot at school often need help with bringing their appearance and behavior into the range of boringly “normal.” They fight this because they don’t want to or don’t know how to change or because they want to express their individuality and get attention for it…which is their way of satisfying their own instinctual need for power. One way to help with this will be to find other ways they can get positive attention and to practice them.
3. All kids need to learn some tricks for making it a lot less fun to tease or hurt them. I highly recommend the book Simon’s Hook, and the YouTube videos made by the author Karen Burnett. She gives some great tips for how to make it boring for other kids to try to change you. Learning about it is not enough, though. Most kids, and especially those kids who get hurt a lot by other kids, will need to practice the skills.
4. Project Cornerstone is great, teacher lectures and discussions and rules about kindness are great, but neither are enough to change the culture at a school or day care. The thing that makes the most difference is a top-down focus on conflict resolution which empowers all the children to work with each other on being kinder to each other. Let’s give those “tattletales” a job! They want power, too. Let’s help them find a way to become compassionate leaders and role models at their school.
5. Parents and teachers model power dynamics with the ways they discipline children. Punishment is old school, ineffective, and teaches the wrong message about leadership. If we want our children to have empathy and compassion and to lead/get power with inspiration and cooperation, then we need to model these qualities when we are helping them to fit into our “social norms.”
6. All of us, adults and children, are experiencing stress at high levels in our culture right now. Put away all devices. Get outdoors. Laugh and play. When we're calm, it's so much easier to be tolerant and kind!
None of this stuff is easy. We are tackling thousands of years of human instinct here! It’s possible though to help children to resolve conflicts peacefully and to treat each other with respect and kindness. If you need help, the counselors here at CFCG are here for you and your child.
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